In case you haven’t seen these blogs on my blogroll, check out the IWOM’s blog at as well as Fabric Leftovers at You’ll gain all sorts of ideas about sewing, furnishings, and jewelry.
And I Don’t Like It
Why do we have to wait?
To develop patience and trust.
Isn’t that cruel? Isn’t waiting for something good, admirable even, isn’t that going to produce cynicism?
Or more faith.
I have to believe that whatever happens with MM, whether he lives or dies, that it is your will, that greater glory will come to You as a result. It seems awful to think that GLORY can come to God as a result of someone’s death.
Perhaps it is the death that will affect more people.
Again, that is why I must trust in Your ways. If it were my choice, I’d heal him right now, spare him and his wife and kids the struggles that are to come, that are here already.
And then you’d miss the point.
Which is what?
My ways are not your ways. My timing is not your timing. Your concept of goodness is limited when compared to my concept of goodness.
But SUFFERING?
This is a fallen world. The rain falls on the good and the bad. This isn’t heaven on earth. While you can experience elements of heaven here and now, this isn’t what I had originally created. The Fall allowed all the evil into the world. Think of it as the Greeks thought of it: a box of terrible evil was released and the only remaining item is hope. But the hope you have is greater than the hope they had. You have true hope through Jesus Christ.
I still don’t like the suffering.
You don’t have to.
Doubt
Matthew 21:22.If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”
It’s been quoted a lot in my vicinity lately. And posted on Facebook a lot. And prayed in church a lot. And prayed in small group a lot.
Why? One of our pastors has been fighting cancer for the last 18 months. He received a miracle 18 months ago and was given these past 18 months, but now? Now he is dying. The tumors are fighting him for sustenance, and the tumors appear to be winning. He’s lost over a pound a day for the last 10 days.
Am I the only one who doubts that he will be healed? I know that if it’s God’s will that he will be healed from the cancer. But what if it isn’t His will? What if more glory will come to God through his death? What if this is a test to see how m uch we’ll cling to God? To see if we will praise Him in this storm?
No matter what happens, be it life or be it death, I have to believe that it is for God’s glory. There are five kids, though, ranging from 8th grade to just married. What about his wife?
I’m not doubting God. He can and will do what needs to be done for the betterment of humans.
I’m doubting my faith that this friend will be healed from this cancer.
Ramblings
I was thinking tonight about Frank Lloyd Wright’s area outside of Chicago because I was reading How to Read Literature Like a Professor and the author mentioned prairies. Chicago was so different from Florida. Seattle was different, too. The prairie, the mountains. Things are different. Against expectations. There are the seasons versus the lack of seasons here in central Florida. My goodness, it’s been above 90 degrees this week.
Am I desirous of change? Do I fear change? Am I searching for significance? For meaning? Why do I think that a radical move would help me in that endeavor? But I can’t or won’t move. My family is here. My career is here. I don’t want to restart my teaching career in another state.
Other thoughts that came to me tonight involve what I call my Indian princess sundress. It’s beautiful and has spaghetti straps. Why do I like it? The purple color, the coolness and softness of the fabric. And then there’s the fact that it has, with the exception of the neckline and spaghetti straps, a Regency period cut to it. Perhaps I can wear a Regency style dress without making the appropriate underpinnings.
And then there’s that Red Satin dress on the blog I’ve just found (http://www.blogforbettersewing.com/). It’s a beautiful dress. I might just make one. Thanks, Gertie.
And no, I don’t yet have an answer
So, no, I don’t yet have an answer to my previous post, and that is the reason I haven’t blogged since then. I guess I’m shocked that I am so cruel. AFter disavowing approval of that remark, I have (all these years later) discovered that I actually agree with the hateful statement.
It isn’t very Christian of me to agree. Then again, I am human, and there would be some very different things in my life if, well if things were different.
Perhaps I truly haven’t forgiven my brother? I keep thinking of Jacob and Esau, which I’m studying right now. It took all those many years for Esau to forgive. I thought I had forgiven. Maybe I haven’t forgiven him. I don’t think I feel hate any more. I just don’t want to see him.
My messed up head
So, how does one manage to cope with the sudden realization that she agrees with the horrible statement of a grandmother? How does one manage to get past the realization of that agreement and move on, especially since no good will come from acknowledging that agreement. The grandmother is dead; the person to be injured is very much alive.
The mental side
According to JN*, I want to move on with my life; I don’t want the things in my past to hold me back or maybe I don’t want to keep revisiting things that I can no longer do anything about. Maybe that’s why I forget things that are bad so quickly. I don’t forget the emotions, but I forget the exact circumstances. I guess that is a coping device for dealing with trauma. Perhaps trauma doesn’t have to be a big bad thing. Perhaps trauma is different for different people. For me, it’s my parents not protecting me from my brother, and it’s my brother being violent with me; it’s also my mom not protecting me from my dad’s yelling. Taken together, we’re left with a traumatized person.
The key now is realizing what the symptoms of panic are and dealing with them, realizing that other things can mimic panic symptoms and that they’re all just physiological responses.
One thing I do wonder about, and I mentioned this briefly to JN, is why did I write so much as a teenager and young adult but stop when Lee and I got married. Is it because Lee and I help each other so much in dealing with our own traumas? Was writing simply a way for me to vent? I would like to write now, but it is as if everything is blocked. Perhaps becoming a married adult, a teacher, caused me to push down what I was feeling so that I could be what I imagined an adult is and that pushing down has blocked what I have to say.
Then I must become unblocked, but that involves revisiting painful memories or being in contact with emotions that I have forgotten about. And dealing with emotions makes me uncomfortable. Is that why when my brain is decompressing before bed that I have all of these great things to say but do not take the trouble of turning on the light and writing them down? Why am I so worried about disturbing Lee? Am I being overly considerate? Why don’t I get up and go into the next room?
I suppose the issue I want to explore now is why I’m reluctant to write even though I feel that I want to write, that I’m supposed to write. What is holding me back? Why am I being lazy when these good compositions go through my head? Do I fear success despite my striving towards perfectionism? Do I fear that what I write is crap? Is that what keeps me from actually writing? Do I fear the emotions I might experience? Do I fear that what I write is crap? Hmmm…..
*JN is my psychologist.
assignment progress
Well, I’ve almost managed to do it again. I avoided journaling about my family last weekend and am almost about ready to avoid it this weekend, but I plan to do that after I log off Word Press. It’s just hard dredging up the old memories. Basically, most families have things that they’re not proud of. The problem is my extreme loyalty to my family. I apparently idolize my parents and need to stop doing that and remember that they are human after all. I’ve had several important realizations about my family over the last couple weeks and even began reading in the Anxiety and Phobia workbook last night, which gave me some additional insights. It’s hard, though. I haven’t been exercising regularly, and I haven’t been doing the deep muscle relaxation that I’m supposed to do. I had come up with rewards for doing those two items, but apparently getting new workout gear and a new Vera Bradley bag were enough to motivate me.
I guess I just need to start again. That’s how I’ve changed my life so much in the last 12 years. I’ve had to keep restarting and keep restarting. But when I look back I’ve realized that I’ve made major changes in my attitude and health. That’s the key: perseverence.
A Difficult Assignment
Basically, I’m avoiding working on an assignment that my psychologist gave me 2 weeks ago. Apparently, I have some deep seated issues regarding my younger brother, so deep that I have basically blocked any reference to him in my mind. JN decided that I need to spend time each week writing about him, but the fact of the matter is that I don’t want to. It makes me nauseous thinking about it. I’d rather just not think of him. But this isn’t always possible since we live in the same mid-sized town. We also live about 5 minutes from each other. I have no idea where this all is going to lead, but I don’t think I want to go there anyway.
